Livid. That's the best word to describe my wife's emotional state when I left the house this morning for work. I couldn't blame her. The night was a rough one. We were both stirred from our heavy slumber by Avery screaming, "EDEEEEEENNNN, STOOOOOPPPP!"...at 3:30 AM. Apparently, Eden wanted their shared bedroom door open so she could hear when Mama woke up, but instead of just getting up and doing it herself she resorted to her go-to move--tell Avery to do it for her.
This has been a bit of a trend with Eden. She's 6 1/2 and is throwing her persuasive "muscle" around a bit more. Avery, to her own credit, is having none of that. It's created what seems like non-stop teaching moments. And this time it spilled over into our beauty rest.
But more than the bossiness, it seems lately Eden has had an edge of nastiness at times that has left us scratching our heads. Where did this come from? Why is she being so mean to us?
I was disappointed in Eden, and I could feel Katie's wrath steaming, but I knew it was less about her losing sleep and more about her concern for her eldest and how she'd been treating her family. We both wanted it to stop! Our typical go-to consequences are loss of privileges or manual labor/serving the family member(s) she's sinned against. I felt, though, a spiritual light bulb had gone off in the parenting "room" of my heart sometime after I eventually fell back to sleep around 4:15 AM and when I had to rise for work.
"Our home is Eden's hospital, Katie," I said.
"What?!" she stared at me.
"Eden's showing signs of an illness. And when someone's emotionally sick they need rest. They need to recoup."
"Eden's sick? You're kidding?! That's your angle on this? What about poor Avery? She's the one getting mistreated and hurt."
"When I'm sick what's the first thing you do? Make me cook dinner for everyone? Deprive me of books and movies? No. You make me lie down and rest! We're seeing a pattern in our little girl's behavior. The symptoms are showing. These aren't random occurrences happening sporadically. If she can't lean on us to help her and teach her what it looks like to slow herself down, reflect, rest, pray, and ask G-d for his guidance in the work he's doing in her heart than who can she go to? And if she doesn't start learning how to practice stillness before we make her serve those she's hurt or if we just strip her of fun things than we run the risk of slapping a Band-Aid on an illness that at it's root will continue to fester untreated. We are her hospital."
I'm not sure if either of us really understand fully what this means, but I can sense even as I write this a shift taking place in our parenting paradigm, a movement from judgment to mending, jury to doctor, courtroom to spiritual medical center.
The patristic fathers talked about the Church's function quite a bit during the first few centuries after the Messiah's resurrection and ascension. It served as a pivotal time for ecclesiological development. They called the Church a hospital for the hurting, a place the emotionally wounded and spiritually wasted could come for treatment and ultimate life-changing healing. In my experience, what many forget today is that G-d's Church began in homes, around meals, living life together as a family. It didn't start as once-a-week gatherings in towering, ornate cathedrals or cavernous domes. Think less Duomo di Firenze and more Grandma's family room.
The closer we as a family move to representing within the home the core belief that G-d, the Master Surgeon, is most interested in healing diseased hearts and resetting broken lives, and that he actually wants us to be a part of that purpose, the more I believe relational health will flow between all who enter our doors. Every guest, neighbor, friend, and family member. Because it's not just Eden that needs it. We all do.
Welcome to my broken house
You don't have to tiptoe here
You can put ya feet down
Feel the floor beneath you, feel the ground
Don't worry bout the future
You're here right now
Unpack your bags and relax for a while
Rest your weary eyes
I know you've been tired
Where do you need to go?
Where you got to be?
Where do you need to go?
I'm your taxi
-Matisyahu
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